January 2020

Resting with, trusting in, and guided by the Universe.

December 8th 2019

One of the most meaningful experiences of my life. Led a painting workshop for a self-love camp for women & integrated my identities as a counseling psych student and visual artist. Focusing on the parallels between the psyche and the natural world, we started with a meditation on archetypes of the forests, stars, and mountains and then created acrylic manifestations of our visions of healing. This experience illuminated one of the many reasons why I am on earth. Thank you, Universe, and thank you Tamara for inviting me to lead this workshop #integration

December 2019.

"Head up" acrylic & sharpie on canvas.

Driving and listening to Tupac's "keep ya head up" one day, and an image of a blue-tinted Black woman looking up at the sun came. Sun represents God/hope

One of my favorite pieces in my Sacred Playground art collection.

January 2020

“Transcendent Love”

16x20. Acrylic. Sold.

Mailing this little beauty off soon...

Departing from any piece inspired by my relationship with Jared is always a tough, emotional experience, but this is life’s practice of letting go. It’s comforting to know that the love we shared, and the art that pours out of it, stirs the spirit of others in some way

If I were to ask Jared, “What am I supposed to do now, without you?” He’d say, “Create.” He'd tell me to write, sing, and paint about it authentically and fearlessly.

The plan was to move to Columbia for grad school, get my phd, and leave. Didn't think I’d end up falling in love with a young, passionate, visionary of an artist who'd remind me of my gifts and stress the importance of practicing them in the name of true freedom. Even though the last month has been emotionally chaotic, it has also been deeply grounding. In a weird mystical way, I feel like Jared is more a part of me now than ever. Also comforting to know he will always be a part of my rededication to my artistic self.

December 2019

O'Shea and his baby girl, India, in a piece titled, "A Father's Universe." O'Shea is one of the most talented rappers I know and one of Jared's best friends. When I told O'Shea I wanted to paint him with India, he said sure, as long as I plug Grem-Mob. Wasn't surprised by this request - that's how all of them are.

O'Shea - Jared and I talked about you more often than you'd think. I remember one night around this time of year, he was telling me how important it was for him to see you succeed. I've never heard anyone talk about their friend/brother like he talked about you. It's like he spoke his words into the ether, hoping they would land in your mind, body, and spirit.

Jared had a way of seeing things in us that we did not see in ourselves, and he would feed it. He pushed us to embark on seemingly impossible treks. O'Shea told me recently that sometimes he thinks, "What would Jared say about this?" I felt that. Since Jared passed, I don't know how many times I've thought to myself, "What would Jared want me to do here?" His spirit lives strong in many of us.

IG: Gremmob573/Gremgod27

#gremmy #gremmob #gremmygang

2021. 16x20. Acrylic.

Jared’s 2 year death anniversary was on Dec 12th. My birthday was on Dec 17th. This time of year will forever be a potent time to grieve and give gratitude for the gift of life and love.

I had a hard time captioning this painting. What a coincidence is it that while I was brainstorming captions, one of Jared’s best friends texted me some words of wisdom. I read the text, bawled like a baby, went back to brainstorming, and immediately saw the overlap between the words I had just read and the painting’s message. His words:

“He always talked about all the things you were doing. He saw your potential even if you didn’t, and he knew where you were headed in life, and he wasn’t so certain about his. He obviously wanted you, but at the same time didn’t think he was good enough in order for you to keep climbing. He never would’ve known what he meant to you the way he did after passing. And as much as we hate it, not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever. Sometimes the lessons we learn aren’t the ones we want. You need someone who is gonna challenge you (in a healthy way) to keep growing mentally, physically, and in your art. You owe that to yourself, and he understands.”

Sometimes, the messages in my paintings don’t fully reveal themselves to me until years later. Art gives the subconscious a voice, it's all a mysterious process. I’ve talked to a few of you about how I’ve felt like I’ve needed to dim my light in certain situations recently, to which most of you say, “Fuck that, Bini.” Without exposing my process too much, I will say I’m learning to embrace my light and finding others who feed my fire, just as Jared would want me to

August 2021.

i go to the woods when the rest of the world feels heavy

i return to the canvas when the woods remind me

to keep seeking

to bow

to let go

I figured some of you may be curious about the sacred geometry -

I blended an icosahedron with the merkaba. The icosahedron represents flow, movement, and trust in the universe. It's connected to the water element and the sacral chakra, and ya know I love me some sacral chakra work. The Merkaba - Mer=light, Ka=spirit and Ba=Body --> union of spirit with the body, surrounded by light. Also represents a divine vehicle/chariot that allows for interdimensional journeying

December 2019.

16x20. Acrylic on canvas.

Love this piece because of the self-compassion that arises when I look at each half on its own and the piece as a whole. Peace from Buddha, fire from Mara. I hope that those who take the piece in can hold space for both the Mara and Buddha in themselves.

As the story goes...

Buddha sat under a Bodhi tree on the night he reached final enlightenment. Mara, demonic king and god of shadow in Buddhism, attempted to distract Buddha from his spiritual quest. Mara wanted Buddha to become a business man, politician, king, or wealthy with money and women. Knowing this night may be the night the Buddha became Buddha, Mara shot arrows of anger, jealousy, greed, self-doubt, and lust at Buddha. As the arrows flew, Buddha adorned each arrow with compassion and kind attention. As each arrow was met with this compassion, the arrows turned into flowers. By the morning, Buddha was surrounded with an ocean of flowers. Mara had failed.

Every now and then, Mara would come to the Bodhi tree and listen to Buddha's teachings. When Buddha saw Mara, instead of fighting Mara, Buddha would say, "I see you, Mara" and invited Mara to have tea.

How do we approach our demons? With resistance, curiosity, kindness?

"Mara is not very pleasant, but if you know how to help Mara, to transform Mara, Mara will become Buddha. If you don’t know how to take care of the Buddha, Buddha will become Mara. Buddha and Mara are also organic, and they need each other. It is thanks to the difficulties, thanks to the temptations, that the Buddha has overcome his suffering and his ignorance and become a fully enlightened being.

I’ll never forget the way you looked at me on our first date 2 years ago.

Honored to have met you, to have known you, to have loved you, to love you, and to be loved by you…all are gifts.

While we came from two different worlds, you brought something in my back to life. Creative, ambitious, and a truth-seeking visionary, you inspired me to reconnect to what I lost. You saw me - the whole me. You wanted me to be free, just as you wanted to be free. As I told you many times, I see you as a teacher. You helped me deepen my spirituality, strengthen my artistic identity, and allowed me to realize I am so much more than what the world tells me. Your heart was grounded in the truth of interconnectedness. You knew matters of the mind, body, and spirit that could not be learned in books. You opened my eyes to so many truths in life, and I know you will continue to teach me.

To see you evolve over the last couple years was a gift, and I am beyond honored to have been a part of your growth. The last time we hung out, you updated me on your growing thrift store business, criticized corrupt political systems, and made me laugh until my cheeks hurt. You have fought for inner and outer peace your whole life. You are, without a doubt, the most tenacious person I know. I am so proud of you.

I’ll never forget how you shoveled your driveway and drove in the snow to pick me up, showed me music from different decades and tv shows from back in the day, taught me how to work out properly, and cooked vegetarian food with me, even though you weren’t about that life. One of the most meaningful moments of my life was lying next to you at night and I asked you to sing me a song. You sang “babygirl” by Musiq Soulchild. I felt your words in my body, nothing but love and soul in your voice. Another night, I wanted to hear your mom’s voice, and you played me a video of her singing. Your emotional reaction to hearing her voice showed me how strongly connected you are with her, and I’m honored to have experienced her through you. The way you talked about your mother, your friends, your pets…you have so much love to give. Your only dream was to support Grem-Mob and lift your brothers and family. That was your only dream - to help.

I wrote a post recently about what I need in a partner, and I had you in mind the whole time, hoping you’d see it and know it was about you. The post was centered around social justice, and man, were you doing the actual work. You uplifted your brothers, talked about systemic issues, and empathized with me. A few days after I posted it, you reached out to me, and I had my last night with you. I keep coming back to that night. I’m grateful.

I still can't believe you’re gone. I have so many regrets, so many unanswered questions, and so much pain - pain I will carry for the rest of my life. Pain that makes me feel so sick, so angry, and so tired. And when I feel the bottom of this pain, I remember your spirit and think about what you'd do. You'd create.

Our love was a young, deep, divine love. I loved loving you. To be with you on your last birthday, to have spent 2019 New Year’s with you, to just be there for you, so grateful. You told me one day, “We have to remember that we love each other for very real reasons, reasons that we can’t and won’t find in other people,” and you were right. Our connection was electric. I'm grateful for our meeting in this lifetime.